You guys need to read this hilarious interview with the grammarian and current Chief of Staff to the
Edo State Governor, Patrick Obahiagbon
granted to Punch. Excerpts below...
Why do you always speak ‘big grammar’?
I am not really consensus ad idem with those
who opine that my idiolect is advertently
obfuscative. No no no, it’s just that I am in my
elements when the colloquy has to do with the
pax nigeriana of our dreams and one
necessarily needs to fulminate against the
alcibiadian modus vivendi of our prebendal
political class.
How did you start speaking in this
manner?
It all happened when my father brought me a
teaser which stated that good orators had
ruled the world and you must have to be a
feisty orator if you must rule the world. As an
impressionable young man, I alacritously threw
myself into the whirligig of improving my
usage of words by amassing new words on a
daily basis.
How do you talk to your wife, children and
even your friends?
I relate with my family and friends very
warmly and in an atmosphere of camaraderie,
stripped of my confutational habiliment and
gladiatorial homilies. I am a very peaceful,
calm, level-headed and celestially attuned soul
personality.
Is this the way you proposed to your wife,
speaking high tech grammar?
Of course, the business of the day when I
interfaced with my wife on matters of the
heart had to be in plain Caeser’s language and
you can decipher why that had to be so. The
matter in view did not permit itself of
sphinxian conundrum.
It’s a long time ago, so I can’t remember the
exact words I used. We had a relationship for
ten years before we got married. We’re looking
at close to 20 years ago.
Did you write exams in school in these big
words?
I used such words very-very freely in my
exams both at the secondary school and in my
university and little wonder I had the
misfortune of my English results being seized
intermittently in my O’ Levels. WAEC released
my results for the other subjects and withheld
my English result. This happened for about
three years. Twice, I passed the University
Matriculation Examination but I could not
proceed to the University because of my
English results that were not released. At the
end of the day, it was released after the third
attempt.
How many dictionaries do you read a day
and how often do you read dictionaries?
I have read and still do read a vaudeville of
dictionaries from Websters to Funk and
Wagnalls, from Cambridge to Oxford
dictionaries, from Black’s Law Dictionary to
Encarta and from Encyclopedia Britannica to
Foreignisms, etcetera. I developed my corpus
of vocabulary by reading omnivorously. I have
also spent nothing less than an hour daily on
my dictionary for over twenty years. So,
whereas the dictionary for most people is a
mere occasional reference point, it is for, me
a vade-mecum. It may also interest you to
know that there is much to learn from our
daily newspapers.
Was English your best subject?
My best subject in secondary school was
government and religion and am sure that I
was drawn to religion because, I now know as
a student of Rosicrucian mysticism, that I was
a student of divine light in my last incarnation.
As for government, I just fell in love with the
subject due to my early attraction in life to
issues of political-economy.
So what did you score in English language?
English language was of course my hobbyhorse
and passion but like I earlier asseverated, my
results were constantly guillotined to my utter
chagrin that I had to lapse into a jeremiad of
lachrymoseim for a period of aeon. I would
need to check the result again to be sure of my
score.
Do you pray the same way you speak?
God understands all languages, my brother and
I pray to God using any word that pops up.
May I posit that the key points in prayers are
your sincerity, purity of heart, walking within
the compass and to what extent are you ready
and worthy of receiving the benediction of the
cosmic and the cosmic masters because as we
say in mysticism- “when the students are
ready, the masters would appear.”
Take my words my brother that more than
seventy per cent of humanity don’t know how
to pray but that is a matter for another day.
Do you know that many people don’t take
you too seriously when you talk because
they think you are not communicating
Why will I be perturbed from ensconcing
myself in the palatable arms of Morpheus
because people have deprived themselves of
the cultivation of the regime of the mental
magnitude? I read all the farrago of baloneys
and vacuous bunkum from pepper soup
objurgators. The spirit of animadversion
remains their fundamental human right. It also
remains an indubitable fact that I get millions
and millions of requests daily from people all
over the world requesting for my verbal
mentorship which positive cosmopolitan
reactions have assisted my equipoise and
righteous sense of pachydermatous garb. I
cannot put my nose to the grindstone daily
and expect to be understood by those
luxuriating in a modus vivendi, verging on
pepper souping, goat heading, suyaing, big
stouting and isiewulising. Has a philosophical
wag not once pontificated that things of the
spirit are spiritually discerned and that it takes
the deep to call the deep? We will speak more
on this matter of critiques and chichi dodo
another day.
Why do you pull your trousers up beyond
the waist?
Hahahaha….That trousers style is called Yohji
Yamamoto. It was my own audacious statement
to remonstrate against the pervasive tendency
of Nigerians especially our youths that took to
the practice of putting on trousers exposing
their lower anatomical contours and I will do it
over and over again...
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